Who’s having a good week? Who’s having a bad one?

Every week we track the highs, lows and everything in between. We give you … What’s Up? What’s Down?

DOWN: ELIZABETH HOLMES

The one-time Silicon Valley powerhouse was convicted of fraud this week, marking the end of a stunning fall from grace that would have been unthinkable a few short years ago. 

Holmes founded Theranos, a tech startup that claimed it had developed a means to test for all manner of illnesses and medical conditions from a few drops of blood. Unfortunately for her, they had not. 

The 37-year-old was found guilty in federal court on three counts of wire fraud, which prosecutors said was connected to her scheme to defraud investors until her company could actually produce the results they promised. 

Now, she’s facing the possibility of 20 years in prison for each count. And while Holmes is unlikely to receive the statutory maximum, it’s clear by now that she’s not getting out of this unscathed. 

If the technology existed, just a few drops of Elizabeth Holmes’ blood would test positive for trending down. 

UP: KANE TANAKA

The oldest known person alive celebrated her 119th birthday this week, and plans on seeing 120 as well, according to family members. 

Kane Tanaka has been the oldest person alive since March 2019 when she turned 116, and broke the all-time record for oldest Japanese person the following year when she turned 117 — quite a feat, considering residents of the island nation are known for their longevity

Born in 1903, Kane has lived through both World Wars, the Great Depression, the U.S. occupation of Japan, and now, is two years into the Covid-19 pandemic. 

What’s more, Kane is closing in on the title for longest living person in recorded history. If she makes it to 123, she’ll surpass the current record holder, French citizen Jeanne Louise Calment (1875-1997.) 

Here’s wishing her good health in 2022. Kane Tanaka is definitely trending up. 

DOWN: DAVID KOECHNER

David Koechner was arrested on DUI charges, while Elizabeth Holmes was convicted for fraud.
David Koechner was arrested on DUI charges, while Elizabeth Holmes was convicted for fraud. Photo credit: Shutterstock

The famed comedic actor known for his roles in The Office and the Anchorman films is in hot water with the law. 

According to Radar Online, Koechner spent New Year’s Eve in a jail cell. He was arrested last Friday afternoon on suspicion of DUI and a hit-and-run in the Los Angeles area — police said the 59-year-old rammed into a stop sign. 

He was sprung the next day, and will wait for a March court date from the comfort of his own home. But under California law, he could have to deal with a suspended license, misdemeanor probation, and any number of civil and criminal fines — not to mention legal fees. 

It’s no way to start the new year, and for that reason, David Koechner is trending down. 

UP: TINSLEY THE DOG

That’s a good boy. 

When this German shepherd’s owner was involved in a serious car accident in New Hampshire, Tinsley reportedly sprang into action. State troopers said he found them and seemed to be urging the officers to follow him.

They obliged, and Tinsley led them to the site of the crash where reportedly his owner and the other driver were seriously injured. Both were rushed a nearby hospital, and while their condition remains unclear, things would have been much worse had it not been for the actions of one humble dog. 

Lassie-style heroics are back in style in 2022, and Tinsley is trending up. 

DOWN: UNVAXXED AMERICANS

Unvaxxed Americans are losing their jobs left and right. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Holmes was convicted for fraud.
Unvaxxed Americans are losing their jobs left and right. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Holmes was convicted for fraud. Elizabeth Holmes could spend up to 60 years in prison, though it’s unlikely. Photo credit: Shutterstock

It’s never a good time to be unvaccinated, but this week has been especially tough for a growing number of Americans who have yet to get the jab. 

First, the military continued its effort to purged unvaxxed servicemembers. Twenty recent U.S. Navy recruits were dismissed for refusing to get the shot.

Then, the prestigious Mayo Clinic laid off roughly 700 employees for the same reason, a massive figure totalling 1 percent of its total workforce. 

It’s been clear for almost a year now that getting the vaccine (and more recently, a booster shot) greatly lessens your chance of hospitalization or death if you happen to contract the novel coronavirus. Now, it looks like it lessens your chance of getting fired, as well. 

Unfortunately for these antivax Americans, there’s no effective inoculation for trending down. 

UP: WOMEN’S HEALTH

In other vaccine news, the medical world may be on the verge of a historical breakthrough. 

Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are entering the testing phase with a vaccine that they say could be effective against the most aggressive and deadly type of breast cancer there is (triple negative breast cancer.)

The vax, they say, would work by jumpstarting the immune system and instructing it to target any tumors that contain a specific protein associated with cancer. And though the doctors stress that the trial is still in its early phases, our fingers are crossed that their theory works out in practice. 

While the process could take years, one thing’s for sure: women’s health is trending up. 

DOWN: LITTLE CAESARS

Like Elizabeth Holmes, Little Caesars is trending down.
Like Elizabeth Holmes, Little Caesars is trending down. The pizza chain increased its prices, while Elizabeth Holmes was convicted of fraud. Photo credit: Shutterstock

The fast food pizza chain drew the ire of customers nationwide this week, when it announced that its signature offering — the $5, Hot-N-Ready pizza — would undergo a price hike

Though the increase is admittedly marginal ($5.55, or 11 percent), Little Caesars’ flagship menu item was known and loved for its convenience and affordability, as compared to competitors. 

It’s another indication that pandemic-era inflation is here to stay, and is taking its toll even on the cheap, greasy foods we’ve come to take for granted. 

A 55-cent increase isn’t the end of the world, but it’s the principle of the matter that’s the sticking point. Until we get over it, Little Caesars is trending down. 

UP: DANIEL CRAIG

Daniel Craig was honored by the Queen, while Elizabeth Holmes was convicted for fraud.
Daniel Craig was honored by the Queen, while Elizabeth Holmes was convicted for fraud. Photo credit: Shutterstock

The longest-serving James Bond was honored by Queen Elizabeth II as part of her annual New Year’s ceremony. 

More notably, Craig was made a Companion of the Order of St Michael and St George (CMG) — an honor typically reserved for real life spies and diplomats (in the films, 007 is a member of the order.)

The award was meant to recognize Craig’s “services to film and theater,” the Queen said. While receiving the honor at the “Companion” rank doesn’t give him a title — he’s still just Daniel, not Sir Daniel — it’s quite a distinction for the actor, who recently retired from his fictional role at MI6. 

Whoever the next Bond is, Craig is trending up. 

DOWN: TRISTAN THOMPSON

While he's not doing as bad as Elizabeth Holmes, Tristan Thompson is trending down.
While he’s not doing as bad as Elizabeth Holmes, Tristan Thompson is trending down. Photo credit: Shutterstock

The Sacramento Kings player is having a rough week. 

First, he publicly admitted that he fathered a child with Maralee Nichols after a paternity test removed all doubt. He apologized to his ex, Khloe Kardashian, and their child, True. He claimed that he takes “full responsibility” for his actions and hopes to “amicably” raise his next child with Maralee, now that he’s for-sure the dad. 

Then, his longtime friend and former Cavs teammate LeBron James seemed to shout in his face during a game Wednesday night. King James appeared to single out Tristan, who didn’t even play that night, at a time when the embattled forward was probably already feeling embarrassed. 

Tristan hasn’t spoken about the on-court drama yet, and he’s probably still licking his wounds from the humiliating paternity debacle. But taken together, it was a rough few days.

See you next week for What’s Up? What’s Down?